Etiquette Question

Edit:  Haha!  Thanks for all the comments.  I agree with all of you!!!  🙂

I wish I could link back to an old post I wrote about having to pay a bill at a baby shower, and being charged for participating in a kids birthday party.  I feel like this falls into that category a bit.

A family member is getting married soon.  We were not invited.  Most of my family was invited, but apparently the relative getting married has opted for a smaller wedding, and cut some of us out.  Which is fine, because I don’t plan on traveling to anymore family events after our October trip!

My question is – are we suppose to get them a gift?  We are not close.  Never have been.  This is a first cousin.  I had no intention of gifting them anything.  Not to be rude, but because it never crossed my mind.  And then…the bride sent me an email with a link to their gift registry and said “Thanks so much for your generosity, here’s what we’d like!”

Googling is a mixed bag of results for this situation.  And frankly, I found the email to be tacky, which makes me lean heavily towards no gift, but maybe a congratulations card?

20 thoughts on “Etiquette Question

  1. Eva

    Short answer:no gift. Long answer:no gift.
    why would you care about etiquette ? I believe etiquette would dictate to invite your family members in the first place. No gift needed, you are in a difficult financial situation as is and are not even invited to the wedding, just invited to pay for stuff they want. You might as well send me some money, cause I really want some stuff too…

    I like your blog, hope everything is gone work out for you. Enjoy your break from the kids!

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  2. OneFamily

    Gift giving is so weird! I remember that post you made before. If it were me, not an invited wedding guest, and not close to the couple, I would just not send a gift. Since you aren’t close, do you really care, in the long run, what they think or expect? I think a card would be sufficient. No one should ever expect to receive a gift.

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    1. intrepiddebtblog Post author

      I don’t really care, at all. I’m so past caring! I was just curious what others thought about the situation. 🙂 Glad I’m not alone in thinking it’s tacky. Seems like people feel entitled to receive something for every thing these days.

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  3. JP

    agreed, gift giving is so weird! Our typical take on these “extra” people – who you’re not close to, but let you know they’re getting married – is: did they come to your wedding and/or did they get you a gift when you were wed? (or, if they are younger relatives, did their parents?) Then we return like. Otherwise, I too think a card is sufficient 🙂

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    1. intrepiddebtblog Post author

      Funny you bring up did they come to ours, because no they did not. And they didn’t because they were upset my mother didn’t send their daughter a graduation card in time. LOL! I never got a thing from any of them either and they were invited. Didn’t even return the RSVP now that I think about it.

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  4. Sluggy

    Not invited? Why should they expect a gift from someone not invited to either the ceremony or the reception? That’s tacky.
    If you want to sent a card because some family allegiance/guilt then do that but nothing else.

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    1. intrepiddebtblog Post author

      That’s how I felt! Why are they expecting a gift from us at all? A lot of our family disagrees with me, but I found it tacky and rude. I’ll opt for a facebook congrats I think.

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  5. Rach Allene

    Skip the gift and card, IMO. It’s EXTREMELY tacky, dare I say rude, to request a gift from someone who didn’t make the guest list.

    I’d comment on a FB pic, “Cute couple! Congrats!” and move on with my life. 😀

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      1. Rach Allene

        Me too! Not too long ago, a someone made a FB status asking if she should plan her baby shower or ask someone else to. She was only a month pregnant at the time. Everyone was commenting “It’s your day, tell someone what you want and make them do it!” and other things, including telling them what foods, decor, etc. and that it’s perfectly acceptable to pick someone and assign them the responsibility, especially if no one had already volunteered. Um. Since when is that how baby showers are done?

        A) You’re one month pregnant.Your shower won’t happen until you are 6-8 months pregnant. Of course no one has volunteered yet.
        B) You don’t ask people to do it. If no one volunteers, that’s too bad, but it’s a gift. You don’t ask for a gift.
        C) If someone volunteers, let them plan it. I repeat, it’s a gift! They’ll likely ask if there’s anything you want anyway. But seriously. You don’t know how much money they have and what they can or cannot afford to do. Be grateful for the gift!

        IT’S A GIFT, IT’S A GIFT, IT’S A GIFT!

        LOL

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  6. Terry

    I would not send a gift. Some people are such takers and never givers. I would be tempted to post something snarky on FB such as: Congratulations! Thank you for the l e-mail with the link to your registries, I was going to call someone who was invited to ask where you were registered”. Yep, tempted, but I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t be surprised if they don’t send thank you notes to the people who do send gifts as they have already said thanks in the email.

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    1. intrepiddebtblog Post author

      Oh I love that snarkiness, it just is tempting! I feel like no one sends thank you cards anymore. We never received one for the baby shower or wedding we attended last fall!

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  7. H P

    Agree with all of the other comments. Absolutely, would not do anything other than a Facebook comment. How incredibly rude of the bride to send you a link to the registry.

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  8. Lucy

    I agree with all the comments. Incredibly tacky and rude on their part to expect a gift and imply that you’re going to give them one! Nope, don’t even go there! Nor would I spend money on a card and stamp.

    I also remember your other posts. Stuff like that just leaves me shaking my head. Unbelievably tacky all the way around.

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